A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotter of the Lake Oswego Review newspaper:
A freezer was in the fast lane and holding up traffic on I-205 near 10th Street.
An estranged husband was making rude gestures as he followed his wife home from her lawyer’s office on Spruce Street.
A man walked into traffic on Country Club Road and started yelling at himself.
A suspicious man was rifling in Dumpsters and carrying a white trash bag. Turned out he lived at the apartments and had trash to throw away.
A maid has been barricading herself inside a man’s room every night for the last year.
A woman’s house was robbed by aliens who got away in a space ship, she says.
Two female shoplifters have now been removed from the Glass Butterfly.
A loud man began yelling when he was asked to leave a restaurant on State Street, even though it was closed at the time.
A man keeps falling asleep inside a store on Monroe Parkway. He was later taken by cab to the Portland airport.
A nondescript vehicle with a loud muffler is causing a certain amount of disturbance on Middlecrest Road.
A woman in California is sending harassing text messages to a man on Ridgeway Road.
Overgrowth of a man’s yard is starting to creep over the boundaries of his neighbor’s property.
A deceased woman’s wheelchair was stolen from a senior living facility.
A house’s windows were shaking from all the noise at an elementary school’s jog-a-thon.
A leaf blower valued at $500 fell off a landscaping truck going down Boones Ferry.
An unconscious woman woke up to find that her landlord, whom she shares the house with, had shaved her head. The woman claims the landlord is a Wiccan and is trying to destroy her because she is a Christian.
Strange sounds like flying saucers taking off and landing were heard on Hallinan and Laurel streets.
Friends are pounding on the door of a man’s apartment on Greenridge Drive and refusing to leave.
A woman was followed by people in a small sedan who were wearing bandanas over their faces.
Very loud drum music is upsetting residents of Rembrandt Lane.
Dictionaries were found torn up at a youth facility’s school.
A man came home to his residence on West Sunset Drive and found that his bed had been stolen.
A woman known to have her driver’s license suspended was spotted watching a game at Lake Oswego High School and then driving away.