A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotter of the Lake Oswego Review newspaper:
A pottery project is creating smoke near a softball field on Overlook Drive.
Two dollars in change was stolen from a Honda Civic on Jefferson Parkway.
A purse snatcher showed up in the chapel area at Durocher Apartments on Holy Names Drive. The purse contained three keys, $2.65 and Kleenex, with a total value of $52.65.
A man with a reputation for violence was heard yelling and screaming inside his residence. It turned out he was playing video games.
In an incident on Westward Ho Road, a woman found that a jar of pepper jelly had been thrown on her driveway and it had splashed on her car.
A missing woman was actually getting a tan in Portland.
Cheese was sprayed on a vehicle parked at Ridgelake Drive and St. Clair Drive.
A strange raccoon entered a woman’s house, stalked her cat, opened her refrigerator and drank some of the family’s milk.
A water spigot worth $6 was stolen from a yard on C Avenue.
A woman who had been removed from a liquor store on North State Street suddenly made an unwelcome appearance.
A lion statue was found at Lake Oswego High School.
A strange instance of mischief occurred when 275 plastic forks were found stuck in the ground of a property on Camden Lane.
Unauthorized trimming was committed on eight or nine cherry trees in Millennium Plaza Park.
The appearance of a mysterious stranger at a residence on Canal Circle turned out to be the unexpected visit from a son.
A female roommate has been preaching to nobody for hours about the devil, and now her roommate is seeking options on how to get her out of the house.
The peace of Oriole Lane has been disrupted by a neighbor who insists on playing the drums at all hours, day and night.
A dispute broke out over parking in a handicapped spot at Albertsons on State Street.
A man who appeared to be “a little off” walked into Rite Aid, took a can of chili, and then left without paying.
Recent events have caused a woman on Westview Circle to have flashbacks of a stalker who followed her in the 1980s.
A transient at a restaurant on A Avenue has been causing discomfort for customers by staying in the men’s restroom for 20 minutes.
Screaming cats greeted the arrival of a coyote at a residence on Lakeview Boulevard.
A woman became apprehensive when a swarthy man of average size came up to her and offered to fix her car for $500, then whittled the price down to $250.
Flying bologna struck a car going down Boones Ferry Road. Suspected in the incident were people attending a party on Carman Drive.
A Buddha statue was stolen from an apartment on North Shore Road.
While a customer was waiting for his car to be fixed at Les Schwab, a thief absconded with his tires.
Five rowdy teens used a toilet paper launcher at Westlake Park.
Midnight screaming took place on Deerbrush Avenue as seven kids made a loud voyage home.
A naked man was observed walking on Boones Ferry Road near New Seasons. He was being considered a suspicious person.