A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotter of the Lake Oswego Review newspaper:
A bag of wood chips were taken from a residence on Kingsgate Road.
A customer at a pet supply store became irate when her purchase was placed in plastic bags, not boxed as she requested.
A tall, slender, greasy man was observed hanging around cars parked at Kruse Way Commons.
A man who had been screaming inside a church office was given transportation to St. Vincent’s Hospital at his request.
An extremely drunk woman was discovered down in a ditch on McNary Parkway. She claimed she was looking for Christmas decorations she had dropped.
Police received a call of a suspicious van parked at a neighbor’s home on Oak Tree Court. It was the window cleaners.
A handicapped man is searching for his $3,000 three-diamond wedding ring. He believes the ring fell off while he was shopping at Albertsons.
A woman calling 9-1-1 for spiritual support is upset because she cannot get through.
The sound of moaning turned out not to be from a physical altercation but from three females who had been drinking heavily.
A deadbeat guest is refusing to leave after staying for three weeks at a residence on Lakeview Boulevard. The guest is associated with Occupy Portland.
Balloons from an antique store were drifting into traffic on Boones Ferry.
Icy conditions on Cherry Lane made a homeowner fear that a driver would slide right through his yard.
In a car break-in on Carman Drive, a camouflage backpack with binoculars, five hunting knives and two hunting jackets, with a total value of $2,160, were stolen.
An older woman rang a doorbell on Diane Dr., tried the doorknob and tried to get into the garage. It turned out she needed directions.
A heavily drinking husband left his house in his vehicle. It is believed he was headed to an AA meeting.
A man tried to get a ride to Albertsons by banging on the windows of cars and yelling on Bangy Road.
While leaving a note chastising someone for parking in a handicapped space, a woman broke a windshield wiper.
A dress was stolen from Silkwood Boutique on A Avenue. The suspect is a 30-year-old woman of thin figure.
After being slapped, a neighbor picked up a pickaxe in a dispute over a pathway on Crest Drive.
A purse was taken from the parish hall at Our Lady of the Lake downtown. Extra patrols were requested.
At a restaurant on Jean Road, a female came in, wiped her nose on a napkin and then set it on a table. When confronted about her action, the woman started screaming obscenities.
A sign festooned with four large balloons and tassels on S. State Street is believed to be in violation of a city ordinance.
A fight broke out between four people, one of them wielding a crowbar, on northbound I-5 near exit 292A.
A Jack Russell terrier attacked a man on Greentree Circle.