A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotter of the Lake Oswego Review newspaper:
An extremely drunken woman could not tell a cab driver her home address, so she started crying.
A woman’s dog is being allowed to wander in protected wetlands and harass ducks.
A “grandson” wired a woman to send him money because he was trapped in Bolivia. However, she knew her real grandson was in California.
An angry woman left a sign that said “Tree Killer” at a location where a contractor had cut down some trees.
A boyfriend won’t stop ringing his girlfriend’s doorbell.
A restaurant manager is concerned that two of his bartenders are drinking.
A jogger kept running around her car because she did not know how to shut it off.
A report on juveniles playing soccer in a construction area on Ridgecrest Drive turned out to be erroneous. It was found that it was the construction workers who were playing soccer.
A 16-year-old son got a tattoo without permission.
A man on Middlecrest Drive was suspicious about the manner in which his morning paper was delivered.
A former female employee showed up at a woman’s residence and stated she had mental health issues. She then told the woman she forgave her for stealing her happiness and left.
Somebody spilled their Viagra on the floor of Blockbuster Video on Boones Ferry Road.
The sounds of what seemed to be furniture being thrown around the room disturbed residents on Jefferson Parkway. It turned out to be a dog playing with a ball inside.
A “grandson” called to say that he was stuck in a hoosegow in Peru and that he needed grandma to send money quick. She said “no” and notified the police.
A male guest has outworn his welcome after six weeks.
A man reeking of alcohol and wearing a frog hat stopped by a home near Bryant Road to seek an address.
A coyote was observed strolling through a parking lot at a posh spot on Kruse Way Place.
A woman was displeased by a car with a loud muffler that was driven onto her property on South Shore Boulevard.
A car was parked with such utter carelessness that it blocked four spaces in the alley behind Gemini Pub.
A diamond wedding ring valued at $3,900 was stolen from a residence on Tolkien Lane, possibly during a Saturday night party at which 60 guests were present.
A backpack leaf blower was stolen from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints temple on Kruse Oaks Boulevard.
A 14-year-old son has been harassed with more than 700 gibberish texts since yesterday.
Suspicious footprints near a residence on Palisades Terrace Drive are now believed to be those of a cleaning lady.
An 11-year-old youth called the police on his mother after she took away his PS3 game until he practiced the piano. The boy was advised she was within her rights to do this.
A Fed Ex package was taken from a front porch on Fifth Street. The package contained two sets of white towels worth $100.
A sheepdog running loose on Twin Fir Road is causing concern.
Police were asked to check on the welfare of a drunken man who made a large bang in his apartment.
Two subjects wearing ski masks were deemed to be odd and out of place on A Avenue. However, it turned out they were delivering newspapers.
An owl was trapped in a soccer net behind Oak Creek School.
A subject is threatening to post photos on Facebook of the person who repossessed his car.
A woman locked out of her house keeps knocking but she can’t get in, because the people inside are not answering the door.
A man is seeking police help on getting back the change for an item he bought at a convenience store on Boones Ferry Road.
Stairs at an apartment complex on Parkview Drive were spray painted in red with the word “Meth.”
A “grandson” called to claim he had been in a car wreck in Beijing and asked a woman to send money. Instead, she called the police.