A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:
A mentally disturbed woman has been yelling out of her window for the past 44 minutes.
A blue Ford and white Cadillac covered in tree debris on Virginia Way were deemed eyesores.
A woman’s ex-boyfriend stole a car and brought her daughter to church on South Shore Boulevard.
Students from Estonia knocked on a door in the 2500 block of Bronco Court stating their exchange program fell through and asking if they could move in.
Suspicious subjects in a new construction site near Chinook Court and Parker Road were really construction workers.
Some rowdy lemonade salesmen at Westlake Park were officially notified of their loudness.
An English sheepdog keeps wandering onto a property on Twin Fir Rd. and relieving itself.
A citizen was unable to remove clothing stuck in a washing machine at the Forest Fresh Laundry.
A tired skateboarder raised concern when he lay down on the grass near Fields Drive.
A strange man with long, dark hair approached a woman in the parking lot of New Seasons and asked her strange questions.
Hearty voices raised in song were heard coming from a pub on B Avenue.
Officers responded to a report of a woman screaming on the 2300 block of Elm Street.
A woman thought someone had harmed her while she was sleeping, but officers determined she had fallen out of bed and hit her head on a nightstand.
Potted flowers were taken from the 5400 block of Grove Street.
A woman called police in the 2100 block of Hawthorne Street about a neighbor who yells names at her when she walks by her home.
A man was receiving strange phone calls and then woke up to find Post-It notes and lipstick all over his girlfriend’s car.
A neighbor on Oswego Summit has been watching his TV too loudly for the past year.
While in her washroom after midnight, a woman became worried by some strange noises. She discovered they were coming from her clothes dryer.
A vandal smeared Vaseline all over a Grand Dodge Caravan parked on Foothills Drive.
A daughter doesn’t want her 91-year-old father joyriding with his 89-year-old girlfriend.
Police investigated a suspicious device, a cylinder tube with electrical tape and wires attached, hanging from a tree on Maple Street near 17th Place. Police determined it was a geocache location.
A man hiding in bushes in the 1700 block of Blankenship Road was “giving his wife some time alone to work out some issues.”
A scary neighbor is frightening children by coming over to tell them wild tales of spirits and demons.
Two heavyset, middle-age women were passing a bottle in a bag between them on Reese Road and Upper Drive.
Horses and a buggy were tying up traffic on Independence Avenue.
A possibly unhinged woman in an apartment was yelling about people stealing her things and complaining that people were having sex too loudly.
An officer assisted the fire department in dealing with a 90-year-old woman who was screaming and yelling and shaking her cane.
A man kept yelling “Jeff, Jeff” and then chanting, rankling neighbors in a Carman Drive apartment complex.
A woman sparked concern when she was seen digging for metal with a large knife on South State Street; she also told an onlooker to “mind her own business.”
Police received a call that a man was lying in an empty lot near the 1000 block of Lilac Street. Officers found the man who said he lived nearby and had gotten into an argument with his wife. The man said he left the house and took some beers with him on the way out, and he was enjoying the sun and his beer. Officers left him alone to enjoy.