A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:
An overly aggressive parent at the International Leadership Academy bared his teeth and used offensive language.
An 11-year-old girl and her father were arguing about the contents of a shoebox.
Someone has been making noises over a school intercom for the past year and a half.
A suspicious driver on Ridgewood Way was ogling an elderly neighbor’s home.
A woman is distraught because her Chihuahua got loose and is running around on the road.
A driver of a Buick began making weird faces at a woman, then got in front of her and slammed on his brakes.
Someone was seen on the roof of Lil’ Cooperstown. It was a worker cleaning the vents.
The sounds of a vehicle locking and unlocking were suspicious on the 6200 block of Meridian Circle.
A bundle of shingles fell off a roof on the 1300 block of Skye Parkway.
A waitress taking photos of credit cards was really capturing a computer glitch to show her restaurant manager.
A woman called to complain about her sisters. She does not want them around her.
A female is dancing on the sidewalk and waving at people on B Avenue.
Concern was expressed that a fireman accepting donations on a ramp was not legitimate.
Two amateur mimes pretending to pull a rope caused two cars to slam on their brakes on Carman Drive.
A tan Chihuahua was found sitting in a woman’s mailbox on Glenmorrie Drive.
A cable guy on a roof in the 18900 block of Walling Circle was deemed suspicious.
A woman wanted an officer to speak with her 12-year-old son who was refusing to get ready for football.
Someone parked in a woman’s reserved spot on Foothills Drive, and apartment managers refused to do anything about it.
A “short driver in a big truck” had trouble seeing over the dashboard and was swerving.
A caller on Falcon Drive wanted to make sure a large, old TV left in front on a home wasn’t stolen.
A woman decided to keep a pair of old handcuffs that she had considered turning in to police.
A suspicious vehicle in the 18400 block of Upper Midhill Drive was an airport pick-up service.
A woman is refusing to let anyone in a house while she burns paper and urinates on clothes.
Police responded to a disturbance on Exeter Street that was really two people yelling at a video game.
A woman confronted a neighbor over an incident that involved her dog a few weeks ago.
A driver passed out on State Street wasn’t drunk, just tired from a long flight.
A woman refused to turn off the light bulb on her porch, so a neighbor woman unscrewed it. The unscrewer was then removed from the location.
A religious zealot who resembled a hobo has been standing at the entrance to Lake Oswego Junior High School.