A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:
A 47-year-old man was arrested for shoplifting a pair of Diesel jeans from Nordstrom Rack on N.W. Evergreen Parkway.
Energy drinks were stolen from a truck parked on Edenberry Drive.
Loud music from a children’s event at Hammerle Park was obnoxious.
Someone in the 2400 block of Sunset Avenue could feel a “microwave gun” being used outside.
A door was open and lights were on at New Life Church. A prayer meeting was in progress.
A woman, who has been waiting to obtain medical marijuana for two days, says things are missing from her house and is asking police to check for footprints in the backyard.
A 59-year-old man went into Plaid Pantry in the 1000 block of S.E. Maple Street and ate a microwave burrito, chips and a few other items, and left without paying.
Items remaining from an August garage sale are unsightly in front of a home in the 25700 block of Kimberly Drive.
Officers arrested a 50-year-old man at Radio Shack on S.E. 10th Avenue. He was reportedly once again dancing with his glow sticks.
Paranormal investigators were visiting the 2200 block of Crestview Drive.
An aggressive man in the 5200 block of Broadway Street wanted to rake leaves.
A loud rooster is distressing the Fox Run/Timberline Drive neighborhood.
An ex-husband was threatening to share photos of his ex-wife.
Someone is living in a motorhome in the Albertsons parking lot.
25 pennies were stolen from a car on Hallinan Circle.
The music at West Linn Saloon was too loud.
A house sitter is using a home as a drug house.
A drunken man asleep in a booth at Shari’s would not wake up.
A suspected burglary in the 1800 block of Sixth Avenue was just a painting falling to the floor and breaking.
A Roto-Rooter man showed up uninvited at a woman’s home. She thinks his appearance may be related to recent death threats she has received.
A stolen purse belonging to a local woman was found in tree in the 900 block of N.E. Lincoln Street.
A woman moving out of her apartment in the 1700 block of Maple Street was making too much noise vacuuming and slamming doors.
An ex-husband is violating a divorce agreement refusing to give up his couch to his wife.
A woman on Oswego Summit has been mocked for the past year by people singing her name.
A resident of Rainbow Drive is suspicious of two solicitors for Save the Ocean.
A next-door neighbor in the 19300 block of Robin Circle is running a dishwasher and it is too loud.
A son received a death threat over a cellphone. A police investigation discovered that the call came from the cellphone of the son’s best friend’s mother.
A woman on Boca Raton Drive says someone has taken her clothes and shoes and will not give them back.
A husband walked in on his wife at work and accused her of stealing his watch.
A gold diamond ring and Oxycodone have been missing for four hours from a location on Overlook Drive.
An herbal product found in a son’s bedroom has been sent to the police for analysis.
A man driving slowly near Cornwall Street and Sunset Avenue was “looking for Steve.”
A mother called the police to say that her daughter was going crazy, then the daughter got on the phone to say that her mother was going crazy.
A revolver, an Xbox 360, a Wii and medical marijuana were stolen from a home in the 5000 block of Prospect Street.
A woman on North Shore Road was fearful that the person who has been threatening her was knocking on her front door. However, it turned out to be a painter looking for work.