A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotter of the West Linn, Ore., Tidings newspaper:
A suspiciously parked car at Shari’s was someone checking the restaurant’s takeout menu.
Someone in the field behind the 19100 block of Kapteyns Street was “shuffling around.”
Loud music and screaming were heard coming from Rosemont Ridge Middle School. It was an after-school music video and dance party.
A rooster attacked construction workers in the 1500 block of Sixth Street.
A blue vase containing ashes was found in a yard in the 3800 block of Mohawk Way.
A man at Oil Can Henry’s was very upset because he was not given a coupon.
A suspicious device near I-205 and Willamette Drive was determined to be a geocache.
An over-amorous couple was seen in a vehicle at Willamette Park.
Six marijuana plants were reported stolen from a backyard.
A man missing from the 19700 block of Derby Street was found at the dentist.
Loud and possibly naked people were in a pool in the 20100 block of Larkspur Lane.
A woman was stuck in the bathroom at Tanner Creek Park.
Subjects who left their marijuana growing equipment at a home in the 1300 block of Fourth Street wanted it back.
Gunshots heard near West Linn High School were the track meet starting guns.
Two suspicious subjects sitting in a vehicle all night at Shari’s were experiencing car problems and were waiting for help.
Three-foot-tall “things” were in the road near Skyline Drive and Summit Street. Officers couldn’t find the things.
A woman observed a cow give birth near Rosemont and Salamo roads, and the calf had still not stood up after several hours.
Someone was pouring something suspicious down the drain in the 1800 block of Blankenship Road. It was water.
A sidewalk in front of a residence in the 2300 block of Michael Drive was reported unswept.
Police checked in on a man in the 1400 block of Village Park Place after he didn’t show up for work. He was on a “personal journey.”
An ex-boyfriend was burning a woman’s belongings in a fire pit in the 4000 block of Norfolk Street.
Kids in a car on Debok Road were making “gun-type” noises.
People from Jamaica keep bothering a family in the 4000 block of Calaroga Drive wanting to come visit.
Two subjects calling for the impeachment of President Barack Obama raised concern in the 5600 block of Hood Street.
A stranger answered a phone in the 18000 block of Upper Midhill Drive. Or, callers could have misdialed.
Someone was sleeping in a vehicle for 39 minutes at Caliente Court and Derby Street.
A man became irate after being refused a job application at Shari’s.
Two men firing a gun on the 4500 block of Cedaroak Drive were firing a gun that shoots a fake duck in order to train a hunting dog.
A man was blocking traffic by standing in the middle of the road drinking beer near Blankenship and Ostman roads.
A teen female is dancing on walls and generally acting strange on Crescent Drive.
A couple were moving into a home on the 3900 block of Elmran Drive suspiciously late in the day.
Three teens said to be committing “unknown types of criminal mischief” were found to be normal kids doing no harm.
A vehicle repeatedly backed up a driveway in the 4100 block of Cornwall Street and ran over the homeowner’s rock.
A resident in the 2800 block of Mark Lane reports trying to cancel his subscription to The Oregonian at least 10 times but it keeps being delivered. He feels harassed.
A man entered Shari’s to make a phone call and hadn’t been heard from since.
A goat with a pink collar was in a yard on the 2200 block of Willamette Falls Drive. The caller agreed to keep the goat until its owner was found or it escapes the yard, “whichever comes first.”