A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:
A man peeking into windows on Tompkins Street is also selling steaks.
A group of five or six young females, including one with pink hair, was observed talking on Country Club Road.
Two suspicious men wearing suits were seen entering a bank on Mercantile Drive. It turned out they were bank employees.
Damage to a garage door in the 3200 block of Wild Rose Loop was found to be from normal use.
While listening in on a conversation between two neighbors, a woman overheard a female threatening to shoot her.
A locksmith who was kissing a person and acting inappropriately has returned to a location on Davis Lane. He was then removed.
A metal sculpture of a large orange pear, valued at $100, was taken from a porch on River Edge Drive.
A man came to a door on Serango Court and asked if the homeowner owned a rabbit, and then left.
Tennis balls were sailing at cars going down Country Club Road.
A woman was informed by a man that he had been watching her and her house for the past 25 years.
A large blue exercise ball was an obstacle for vehicles on northbound I-205 near Highway 43.
Someone placed a dead opossum on a woman’s car door and left incriminating gloves behind.
A man was seen barking by the side of the road near Oxford and Summit streets.
A dispute over garbage can placement has broken out between neighbors.
A man ran up to a person and asked for help because his teeth were falling out.
A house on Gershwin Court has been overcome by the smell of marijuana.
A pair of aviator sunglasses was stolen from the 5600 block of Hood Street.
“DARN DARN” was tagged on fence in the 1600 block of S.E. Oak Street.
A suspicious woman emerged from a Honey Bucket on Fourth Street.
A male is getting dressed and undressed on Eaglecrest Drive.
A woman has broken into a house on Twin Fir Road several times in a day, thus flouting the restraining order against her.
Using a phone that was “a gift from (her) teddy bear,” a woman said, she was having pre-menopausal symptoms while shopping at Safeway.
A very large man aroused suspicion after walking down North State Street in a Raiders jacket the past few weeks.
A nonobservant girl walking and texting at Fairview Way and Willamette Drive flipped off driver who honked at her.
A man walking his dog near Trillium Creek School yelled at a woman’s parking job.
A suspected transient sitting down on Mapleton was really a construction worker stepping away for a phone call.
A man barged into a home on Jolie Pointe saying he was there for a meeting. He was at the wrong house.
“MARRY XMAS” in red spray paint was reported at S.E. Cedar Street and Fifth Avenue.
Lake Oswego police paid for a woman’s lodging at Residence Inn, and now she wants them to pay for one more night.
A woman on Oak Street became suspicious when she discovered a wet footprint on her front porch. It was her own.
A man with missing teeth offered to uninstall things in a house on Lake Grove Avenue.
Baseballs were being thrown at cars driving down Country Club Road.
A woman on Worthington Street was stunned when a man ran through her front door and out her back door. He did not pause to give her an explanation of his conduct.
A woman was reported to be in the library arguing with another person about a debt the woman believed was owed to her father. Not satisfied with the outcome of the argument, the woman grabbed the library patron and caused her head to collide with the patron’s head. The woman walked out of the library.