A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:
A suspicious vehicle marked “Pest Control” has been driving around First Street and Evergreen Road.
A rabbit was stuck in a screen at the baseball diamond at Rosemont Ridge Middle School.
Suspected gunshots in the 1000 block of Rosemont Road were tree trimmers working.
Someone learning how to drive in the Safeway parking lot keeps hitting shopping carts.
Twenty teens seen running up and down Winkel Way were just playing flashlight tag.
A neighbor on Snidow Drive threatened to toss another neighbor into a trash can.
Food was reported missing from a home. It was suspected kids had friends over.
A man thinks a threatening neighbor tore his car cover on Village Park Place.
A naked man sat in a wheelchair by his van at Mary S. Young State Park until he noticed he was being watched.
A neighbor seen hitting his head against a porch was just frustrated.
An unwanted guest keeps showing up at a man’s house on Friday nights.
A child called 9-1-1 because he did not want to take a nap.
A cat bit an employee at Banfield Pet Hospital.
A resident tossed garbage over her fence.
Doors and windows of a home were open. The homeowner was taking a nap while trying to dry a carpet he just cleaned.
A woman threatened to have her bounty hunter friend drag another woman out of her apartment.
An unhealthy customer entered Healthy Pet on Upper Midhill Drive and made bomb threats toward the business owners.
Logs and a sign warning drivers to slow down for kids were taking up a parking space near the Lake Oswego library.
A male houseguest in the 19500 block of Hidden Springs Road was being “loud and mouthy.”
An elderly, bald, overweight man wearing a gray sweatshirt followed some children home from Lakeridge Junior High School because they picked berries out of his yard.
A husband feared his wife had run off until she finally came home from an auto shop.
A cougar was sighted jaywalking on Jefferson Parkway.
A heavyset man showed up on the doorstep of a Country Woods home and refused to say why he was there.
When an owner was informed that his dog was being aggressive, his response was laughter.
A houseguest in the 22800 block of Willamette Drive has overstayed his welcome.
A scruffy, bearded oddball was riding a bike and yelling on Lakeview Boulevard.
A woman was upset that a dog was barking at a raccoon on Palisades Terrace Drive.
A man driving through the 22000 block of Salamo Road was “yelling things” at people with a microphone.
A suspicious man in a parked vehicle on Alpine Dr. was waiting for a flooring job to start.
Two subjects trespassing on a softball field on Salamo Road were just working out.
Suspected marijuana growing in a yard on Hunter Way turned out to be a Japanese maple tree.
A gang of kids was throwing eggs and bananas at cars on Boones Ferry Road and Kruse Way.
A suspected prowler was heard in a home on West Bluff Court. It turns out the homeowner’s cats turned on the TV.
A strange guy keeps coming into a salon and staring at customers. This makes them uncomfortable.
A neighbor on Upper Midhill Drive threatened to kill another neighbor during an argument regarding trash cans.
The “sound of things moving around” was heard in the 2100 block of Snowberry Ridge Court.
A woman mourning a dead squirrel killed by a retriever was sworn at by the dog’s owner.