A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotters of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., newspapers:
What was first suspected to be a severe domestic disturbance turned out to be people screaming at a gardener for arriving too early.
Three teen girls at a park in the 1900 block of Hall Street were trying to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew.
Two suspicious men driving around Bilford Lane turned out to be painters.
A person refused to stop ringing a doorbell on Chapin Way.
Pottery was smashed all over Becket Street.
Music coming from the West Linn Saloon was too loud.
A woman is suspicious about a man in a red Cadillac who keeps asking her to go to California with him and become a model.
The horrible noises coming from a tree on Central Avenue might be coming from a cougar.
A person picked up the phone and heard a death threat from somebody in Monmouth.
A woman insists that a restraining order against her is part of a scam.
A neighbor came into a woman’s house and carried away her laundry.
A man who was wandering around the Shari’s parking lot was found sleeping under a tree.