A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotters of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., newspapers:

After hearing the click of a gun, a woman is more fearful than ever that an unknown female is out to kill her.

A caller thought a man wearing fatigue pants and no shirt riding a motorcycle in the 22700 block of Salamo Road “looked unusual.”

A man was seen digging up ferns on a private lot on Skye Parkway.

A thief took advantage of an open house on Rogers Road to steal a container holding 100 prescription drugs.

A man slumped in his vehicle in the 5600 block of Hood Street was just parked and using the Starbucks Wi-Fi.

A dog defecated in a woman’s yard on Wax Wing Circle.

A woman was suspected of DUII after her unsteady driving on Stafford Road. It turned out she had just gotten new glasses and was having trouble getting used to them.

A suspicious man walking near Robinwood Village was just a new resident.

A drunken woman screamed for help as a man sat on her; apparently, he was actually trying to help her.

After robbing an unlocked shed, a thief threw some tuna on a car parked on Wood Thrush Circle. Loss was set at $5.

A naked man was seen on a log masturbating in the 5400 block of West A Street.

A light bulb at the back of a house on Westview Court was unscrewed over the weekend.

A big purple overstuffed chair was dumped at the end of G Avenue.

A woman wants to get rid of the three guys standing outside her house.

Suspicious people running through a park in the 1400 block of Lewis Street were just playing tag.

A resident in the 5500 block of First Court believes a neighbor has been listening in on her for several years.



turf wars

A list of actual items, excerpted from a roundup of calls to the Forest Grove, Ore., police department (via OregonLive):

Police responded to an argument between neighbors about bark dust and blowing leaves. They were advised they could either talk it out and come up with a neighborly solution or could go the route of taking legal action. The residents opted for the legal route and stated they would each sue the other.

A neighbor called police after a drunken neighbor came over and started yelling about random topics.

Officers responded to a loud polka band playing at a party on Birch Street. The party broke up after police arrival.

Police responded to 26th Avenue after a resident reported that tree trimmers had damaged a power line. Officers learned that one of the trimmers had a warrant for his arrest. Forest Grove Light & Power responded to repair the damaged line.

A man called police concerned about bikini baristas at a coffee stand wearing very little clothing. He was quoted as specifically telling the dispatcher that he “did not want that to be the first rack [his] kids see.”

Officers responded to a report of a man at 21st Avenue and B Street carrying a case of Heineken beer and trying to flag down cars. The man was apparently attempting to sell his case of beer bottle by bottle.

A woman called for help after she was picking blackberries from her motorized cart and became stuck.

Officers assisted sheriff’s deputies on Golf Course Road after a man reported that gang members threw him from a bridge into the Tualatin River.

A caller reported finding a bloody item of clothing behind the old Blockbuster building. It turned out to be mud.

Officers responded to Poplar Street and Pacific Avenue after a resident reported that a car entered her front yard and struck some bricks. A woman then jumped out and was showing a neighbor pictures. Officers contacted the woman driver who had no odor of alcohol but appeared impaired. The woman was placed under arrest. A police drug recognition expert completed a drug evaluation on the woman and determined she was under the influence of nearly a dozen prescription drugs.

An apartment manager on 22nd Avenue reported that she could hear a woman, possibly with mental health issues, yelling at herself. Officers found the woman, who was actually angry with her roommates and was yelling at them.

Officers were mooned, flipped off, spat at and called obscenities by two men at a local bar when the officers stopped to do a bar check. One of the subjects also struck an officer with a lit cigarette. Both were detained and one was lodged at the Washington County Jail while the other was taken in for detox. The officers used no force. Officers later spoke with a roommate of one of the subjects, who stated that it was the intent of both of these men to get arrested together at the end of the night.