park and hide

A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotters of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., newspapers:

Two men were loitering in an underground parking garage in the 21900 block of Willamette Drive and burning incense.

An outdoor motion detector light came on for no apparent reason in the 19500 block of Hidden Springs Road.

There has been another report of a man driving around in a red Cadillac and making women feel uncomfortable.

A cougar seen in a backyard is causing concern.

While taking out the trash, a woman thought she saw a shadow in her house in the 2100 block of Snowberry Ridge Court.

The outdoor light came on again in the 19500 block of Hidden Springs Road.

A pit bull wearing a red scarf was seen snapping at other dogs in the 20600 block of Noble Lane.

A woman objected to having her head shaved by an acquaintance.

A hedge was destroyed on Sundew Court.

A man brought a woman he met on a chat line to his home in the 2000 block of Sunray Circle. When she started talking about weapons, he grew concerned.

The outdoor light in the 19500 block of Hidden Springs Road turned on again. The resident was given the police non-emergency phone number.

A male and female hitchhiking near the I-205 off-ramp were lifting their shirts at passing vehicles.

A man reeking of alcohol staggered out of Moonstruck Chocolate on State Street.

A neighbor dog has been running loose on Wax Wing Circle.

A flat-screen TV was stolen overnight from the 19500 block of Hidden Springs Road. The suspect, who was there that night, works for an escort service.



lawn order

A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotters of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., newspapers:

What was first suspected to be a severe domestic disturbance turned out to be people screaming at a gardener for arriving too early.

Three teen girls at a park in the 1900 block of Hall Street were trying to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew.

Two suspicious men driving around Bilford Lane turned out to be painters.

A person refused to stop ringing a doorbell on Chapin Way.

Pottery was smashed all over Becket Street.

Music coming from the West Linn Saloon was too loud.

A woman is suspicious about a man in a red Cadillac who keeps asking her to go to California with him and become a model.

The horrible noises coming from a tree on Central Avenue might be coming from a cougar.

A person picked up the phone and heard a death threat from somebody in Monmouth.

A woman insists that a restraining order against her is part of a scam.

A neighbor came into a woman’s house and carried away her laundry.

A man who was wandering around the Shari’s parking lot was found sleeping under a tree.


roach coach

A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:

A suspicious vehicle marked “Pest Control” has been driving around First Street and Evergreen Road.

A rabbit was stuck in a screen at the baseball diamond at Rosemont Ridge Middle School.

Suspected gunshots in the 1000 block of Rosemont Road were tree trimmers working.

Someone learning how to drive in the Safeway parking lot keeps hitting shopping carts.

Twenty teens seen running up and down Winkel Way were just playing flashlight tag.

A neighbor on Snidow Drive threatened to toss another neighbor into a trash can.

Food was reported missing from a home. It was suspected kids had friends over.

A man thinks a threatening neighbor tore his car cover on Village Park Place.

A naked man sat in a wheelchair by his van at Mary S. Young State Park until he noticed he was being watched.

A neighbor seen hitting his head against a porch was just frustrated.

An unwanted guest keeps showing up at a man’s house on Friday nights.

A child called 9-1-1 because he did not want to take a nap.

A cat bit an employee at Banfield Pet Hospital.

A resident tossed garbage over her fence.

Doors and windows of a home were open. The homeowner was taking a nap while trying to dry a carpet he just cleaned.

A woman threatened to have her bounty hunter friend drag another woman out of her apartment.

An unhealthy customer entered Healthy Pet on Upper Midhill Drive and made bomb threats toward the business owners.

Logs and a sign warning drivers to slow down for kids were taking up a parking space near the Lake Oswego library.

A male houseguest in the 19500 block of Hidden Springs Road was being “loud and mouthy.”

An elderly, bald, overweight man wearing a gray sweatshirt followed some children home from Lakeridge Junior High School because they picked berries out of his yard.

A husband feared his wife had run off until she finally came home from an auto shop.

A cougar was sighted jaywalking on Jefferson Parkway.

A heavyset man showed up on the doorstep of a Country Woods home and refused to say why he was there.

When an owner was informed that his dog was being aggressive, his response was laughter.

A houseguest in the 22800 block of Willamette Drive has overstayed his welcome.

A scruffy, bearded oddball was riding a bike and yelling on Lakeview Boulevard.

A woman was upset that a dog was barking at a raccoon on Palisades Terrace Drive.

A man driving through the 22000 block of Salamo Road was “yelling things” at people with a microphone.

A suspicious man in a parked vehicle on Alpine Dr. was waiting for a flooring job to start.

Two subjects trespassing on a softball field on Salamo Road were just working out.

Suspected marijuana growing in a yard on Hunter Way turned out to be a Japanese maple tree.

A gang of kids was throwing eggs and bananas at cars on Boones Ferry Road and Kruse Way.

A suspected prowler was heard in a home on West Bluff Court. It turns out the homeowner’s cats turned on the TV.

A strange guy keeps coming into a salon and staring at customers. This makes them uncomfortable.

A neighbor on Upper Midhill Drive threatened to kill another neighbor during an argument regarding trash cans.

The “sound of things moving around” was heard in the 2100 block of Snowberry Ridge Court.

A woman mourning a dead squirrel killed by a retriever was sworn at by the dog’s owner.

For the Record

cattle call

A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:

A man peeking into windows on Tompkins Street is also selling steaks.

A group of five or six young females, including one with pink hair, was observed talking on Country Club Road.

Two suspicious men wearing suits were seen entering a bank on Mercantile Drive. It turned out they were bank employees.

Damage to a garage door in the 3200 block of Wild Rose Loop was found to be from normal use.

While listening in on a conversation between two neighbors, a woman overheard a female threatening to shoot her.

A locksmith who was kissing a person and acting inappropriately has returned to a location on Davis Lane. He was then removed.

A metal sculpture of a large orange pear, valued at $100, was taken from a porch on River Edge Drive.

A man came to a door on Serango Court and asked if the homeowner owned a rabbit, and then left.

Tennis balls were sailing at cars going down Country Club Road.

A woman was informed by a man that he had been watching her and her house for the past 25 years.

A large blue exercise ball was an obstacle for vehicles on northbound I-205 near Highway 43.

Someone placed a dead opossum on a woman’s car door and left incriminating gloves behind.

A man was seen barking by the side of the road near Oxford and Summit streets.

A dispute over garbage can placement has broken out between neighbors.

A man ran up to a person and asked for help because his teeth were falling out.

A house on Gershwin Court has been overcome by the smell of marijuana.

A pair of aviator sunglasses was stolen from the 5600 block of Hood Street.

“DARN DARN” was tagged on fence in the 1600 block of S.E. Oak Street.

A suspicious woman emerged from a Honey Bucket on Fourth Street.

A male is getting dressed and undressed on Eaglecrest Drive.

A woman has broken into a house on Twin Fir Road several times in a day, thus flouting the restraining order against her.

Using a phone that was “a gift from (her) teddy bear,” a woman said, she was having pre-menopausal symptoms while shopping at Safeway.

A very large man aroused suspicion after walking down North State Street in a Raiders jacket the past few weeks.

A nonobservant girl walking and texting at Fairview Way and Willamette Drive flipped off driver who honked at her.

A man walking his dog near Trillium Creek School yelled at a woman’s parking job.

A suspected transient sitting down on Mapleton was really a construction worker stepping away for a phone call.

A man barged into a home on Jolie Pointe saying he was there for a meeting. He was at the wrong house.

“MARRY XMAS” in red spray paint was reported at S.E. Cedar Street and Fifth Avenue.

Lake Oswego police paid for a woman’s lodging at Residence Inn, and now she wants them to pay for one more night.

A woman on Oak Street became suspicious when she discovered a wet footprint on her front porch. It was her own.

A man with missing teeth offered to uninstall things in a house on Lake Grove Avenue.

Baseballs were being thrown at cars driving down Country Club Road.

A woman on Worthington Street was stunned when a man ran through her front door and out her back door. He did not pause to give her an explanation of his conduct.

A woman was reported to be in the library arguing with another person about a debt the woman believed was owed to her father. Not satisfied with the outcome of the argument, the woman grabbed the library patron and caused her head to collide with the patron’s head. The woman walked out of the library.


the coverup

A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:

A bundled-up blanket along northbound I-205 south of 10th Street was just a blanket.

A resident of Lamont Way noticed a statue of an angel in a neighbor’s yard that doesn’t belong there.

The “open” sign at Biscuits Cafe is turned on, but the restaurant is closed.

A neighbor is refusing to give back a woman’s cat after originally taking it in for temporary safekeeping.

A resident of the Peters Lane/Hopkins Lane area complained that construction workers were screaming, singing too loudly and playing loud music too early in the morning. An investigation revealed that nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

Two drunken women knocked on a door in the 22800 block of Willamette Drive just to “say hi.”

Questionable characters at the McDonald’s drive-thru were not drunk, just hungry.

A resident complained about kids with a garbage can in the street in the 1600 block of Village Park Place. They were making a movie.

Extra patrols were requested at Oswego Pointe Apartments due to vandalism incidents that occurred over the weekend. Apartment managers received reports about ketchup and spaghetti sauce being poured on vehicles.

A family in the 4200 block of Summerlinn Drive is arguing about who gets an ill mother’s china.

Two teenage males and a 55-year-old woman were cited for violations that took place at a drunken party where somebody broke a leg.

A Slurpee was dumped on a vehicle in the 3100 block of Sabo Lane.

An ax was seized from the 5500 block of Sinclair Street.

A duck on a statue at city hall was found to have disappeared.

A large mirror was among the items lifted from a carport on E Avenue.

A woman feels threatened by a message she received from a dating website.

A customer started being disruptive in the lobby of a candy store.

Strange things are happening in a parking lot on North State Street.

A woman is receiving harassing calls from Jamaica claiming she won a lottery.

Wet weather has caused stones to sink along a walkway at Fields Bridge Park.

A drunken former Shari’s employee refused to leave the restaurant.

A yelling customer was upsetting the atmosphere at Plaid Pantry on Pilkington Road. He was upset about an employee taking too long to count his change.

An unknown subject entered residence in the 2700 block of S.E. Sunflower through unlocked window, took a 24-pack of Coors Light and left through the back door.

A man in black was reportedly acting strangely and doing “Karate Kid”-type moves around George Rogers Park.

A 23-year-old transient was taken into custody at the Sandy Library, where previously she had been excluded. During questioning, it was discovered she had possession of a library book that had not been checked out.

A red 2000 Volvo with a giant butterfly sticker in the back window was stolen overnight from the 6000 block of Northeast Alder. The owners had left the keys in the vehicle. Later in the day, the Volvo was recovered in the New Seasons parking lot with the driver’s side window down. The vehicle had been ransacked and several items were missing from the vehicle, including a laptop and iPad.

A man and a woman were arrested after swapping their shoes for new pairs at Nordstrom Rack, then resisting apprehension.

A woman who lives on Oak Street became suspicious when she discovered a wet footprint on her front porch. Upon further investigation, she discovered that the footprint was her own.


hash house

A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the police blotter of the West Linn, Ore., Tidings newspaper:

A suspiciously parked car at Shari’s was someone checking the restaurant’s takeout menu.

Someone in the field behind the 19100 block of Kapteyns Street was “shuffling around.”

Loud music and screaming were heard coming from Rosemont Ridge Middle School. It was an after-school music video and dance party.

A rooster attacked construction workers in the 1500 block of Sixth Street.

A blue vase containing ashes was found in a yard in the 3800 block of Mohawk Way.

A man at Oil Can Henry’s was very upset because he was not given a coupon.

A suspicious device near I-205 and Willamette Drive was determined to be a geocache.

An over-amorous couple was seen in a vehicle at Willamette Park.

Six marijuana plants were reported stolen from a backyard.

A man missing from the 19700 block of Derby Street was found at the dentist.

Loud and possibly naked people were in a pool in the 20100 block of Larkspur Lane.

A woman was stuck in the bathroom at Tanner Creek Park.

Subjects who left their marijuana growing equipment at a home in the 1300 block of Fourth Street wanted it back.

Gunshots heard near West Linn High School were the track meet starting guns.

Two suspicious subjects sitting in a vehicle all night at Shari’s were experiencing car problems and were waiting for help.

Three-foot-tall “things” were in the road near Skyline Drive and Summit Street. Officers couldn’t find the things.

A woman observed a cow give birth near Rosemont and Salamo roads, and the calf had still not stood up after several hours.

Someone was pouring something suspicious down the drain in the 1800 block of Blankenship Road. It was water.

A sidewalk in front of a residence in the 2300 block of Michael Drive was reported unswept.

Police checked in on a man in the 1400 block of Village Park Place after he didn’t show up for work. He was on a “personal journey.”

An ex-boyfriend was burning a woman’s belongings in a fire pit in the 4000 block of Norfolk Street.

Kids in a car on Debok Road were making “gun-type” noises.

People from Jamaica keep bothering a family in the 4000 block of Calaroga Drive wanting to come visit.

Two subjects calling for the impeachment of President Barack Obama raised concern in the 5600 block of Hood Street.

A stranger answered a phone in the 18000 block of Upper Midhill Drive. Or, callers could have misdialed.

Someone was sleeping in a vehicle for 39 minutes at Caliente Court and Derby Street.

A man became irate after being refused a job application at Shari’s.

Two men firing a gun on the 4500 block of Cedaroak Drive were firing a gun that shoots a fake duck in order to train a hunting dog.

A man was blocking traffic by standing in the middle of the road drinking beer near Blankenship and Ostman roads.

A teen female is dancing on walls and generally acting strange on Crescent Drive.

A couple were moving into a home on the 3900 block of Elmran Drive suspiciously late in the day.

Three teens said to be committing “unknown types of criminal mischief” were found to be normal kids doing no harm.

A vehicle repeatedly backed up a driveway in the 4100 block of Cornwall Street and ran over the homeowner’s rock.

A resident in the 2800 block of Mark Lane reports trying to cancel his subscription to The Oregonian at least 10 times but it keeps being delivered. He feels harassed.

A man entered Shari’s to make a phone call and hadn’t been heard from since.

A goat with a pink collar was in a yard on the 2200 block of Willamette Falls Drive. The caller agreed to keep the goat until its owner was found or it escapes the yard, “whichever comes first.”


freaks and tweaks

A roundup of actual items, excerpted from the records of the Lake Oswego and West Linn, Ore., police departments:

A 47-year-old man was arrested for shoplifting a pair of Diesel jeans from Nordstrom Rack on N.W. Evergreen Parkway.

Energy drinks were stolen from a truck parked on Edenberry Drive.

Loud music from a children’s event at Hammerle Park was obnoxious.

Someone in the 2400 block of Sunset Avenue could feel a “microwave gun” being used outside.

A door was open and lights were on at New Life Church. A prayer meeting was in progress.

A woman, who has been waiting to obtain medical marijuana for two days, says things are missing from her house and is asking police to check for footprints in the backyard.

A 59-year-old man went into Plaid Pantry in the 1000 block of S.E. Maple Street and ate a microwave burrito, chips and a few other items, and left without paying.

Items remaining from an August garage sale are unsightly in front of a home in the 25700 block of Kimberly Drive.

Officers arrested a 50-year-old man at Radio Shack on S.E. 10th Avenue. He was reportedly once again dancing with his glow sticks.

Paranormal investigators were visiting the 2200 block of Crestview Drive.

An aggressive man in the 5200 block of Broadway Street wanted to rake leaves.

A loud rooster is distressing the Fox Run/Timberline Drive neighborhood.

An ex-husband was threatening to share photos of his ex-wife.

Someone is living in a motorhome in the Albertsons parking lot.

25 pennies were stolen from a car on Hallinan Circle.

The music at West Linn Saloon was too loud.

A house sitter is using a home as a drug house.

A drunken man asleep in a booth at Shari’s would not wake up.

A suspected burglary in the 1800 block of Sixth Avenue was just a painting falling to the floor and breaking.

A Roto-Rooter man showed up uninvited at a woman’s home. She thinks his appearance may be related to recent death threats she has received.

A stolen purse belonging to a local woman was found in tree in the 900 block of N.E. Lincoln Street.

A woman moving out of her apartment in the 1700 block of Maple Street was making too much noise vacuuming and slamming doors.

An ex-husband is violating a divorce agreement refusing to give up his couch to his wife.

A woman on Oswego Summit has been mocked for the past year by people singing her name.

A resident of Rainbow Drive is suspicious of two solicitors for Save the Ocean.

A next-door neighbor in the 19300 block of Robin Circle is running a dishwasher and it is too loud.

A son received a death threat over a cellphone. A police investigation discovered that the call came from the cellphone of the son’s best friend’s mother.

A woman on Boca Raton Drive says someone has taken her clothes and shoes and will not give them back.

A husband walked in on his wife at work and accused her of stealing his watch.

A gold diamond ring and Oxycodone have been missing for four hours from a location on Overlook Drive.

An herbal product found in a son’s bedroom has been sent to the police for analysis.

A man driving slowly near Cornwall Street and Sunset Avenue was “looking for Steve.”

A mother called the police to say that her daughter was going crazy, then the daughter got on the phone to say that her mother was going crazy.

A revolver, an Xbox 360, a Wii and medical marijuana were stolen from a home in the 5000 block of Prospect Street.

A woman on North Shore Road was fearful that the person who has been threatening her was knocking on her front door. However, it turned out to be a painter looking for work.